Ever since we were little girls, we have fantasized about gracing the stage of a Broadway musical. We starred in many a basement production as scrappy red-headed orphans, umbrella-wielding magical nannies, and AIDS-inflicted New York bohemians. Let’s just say that our iPod shuffle is never appropriate for sexy time, unless you’re really, really into Glee.
Since we still haven’t been discovered, we recognize that our Broadway ship may have sailed. With laughter, tears, dramatic belting, and a loveable cast of characters, our night at Congregation Kol Ami might be the closest we’ll ever get to starring in our own Jewsical.
Cast
Jessica & Lauren - Bedraggled bloggers, shaking off rain and desperate for free coffeeCongregants - Mostly gay men, milling about and kibitzing
Old Lady - Here to celebrate her 90th birthday, accompanied by her adult son
Adult Son - See above
Cristina - Canadian convert, recent transplant to LA, and our new bestie; the first Alotta Shabbata friendship to persist beyond the synagogue walls
Cantor - With the grin of the Cheshire Cat and the voice of a Semitic Pavarotti, he was the fiddler to our roof
Setting
America’s gayest city, West Hollywood*
Scene One
Old Lady is called to the bimah for a dramatic birthday blessing, escorted by Adult Son. Cantor launches into sweet (and lengthy) shpiel about how wonderful Old Lady is. Cue Lauren to steal the scene from Old Lady by bawling loudly. Cue Jessica to laugh uncontrollably, further drawing attention away from Old Lady. Congregants shake their heads disapprovingly and mutter phrases such as “Bitch, please” and the like.
Scene Two
Cantor belts operatically, jumping between Hebrew and English. The small sanctuary vibrates with surround sound effects, and Lauren and Jessica find their heads bobbing along with the rest of the Congregants. The sheer volume of the Cantor’s vibrato eclipses all other sounds, allowing Lauren and Jessica to confidently croon any tune their hearts desire with no fear of being heard by Congregants. Cantor makes post-service announcement re: the temple’s upcoming Les Miserables-themed Purim shpiel. Lauren and Jessica, clearly operating under a musical-induced high, debate paying membership fees so they can co-star as Fantine and Cosette.
Scene Three
Oneg begins. Lauren and Jessica enter stage left, immediately zero in on the rugelach, and congratulate Old Lady on her birthday. Old Lady proceeds to give sage and harrowing life advice to Lauren and Jessica (technically unsolicited), including gems such as “Always wear sunscreen,” and “Don’t tell people your problems, because no one wants to hear them.” Lauren and Jessica exchange quizzical glances and then continue to rapidly ingest free pastries. Cristina enters stage right, makes small talk over challah, and quickly proves that she’s younger, cooler, and better dressed than Lauren and Jessica. In an effort not to mess up their first potential ‘gogue friendship, Lauren and Jessica make eye contact and silently decide never to tell Cristina any of their problems.
Finale
Lauren and Jessica stand in the corner, clutching cups of free coffee and ruminating over the events of the night: Drama. Song. Broadway. Laughter. Tears. Delightful little pastries. In a moment of clarity, and yet great confusion, Lauren and Jessica wonder aloud in unison, “Are we gay men inside?”
The End
* Technically speaking, WeHo is America’s sixth gayest city.
Chai-lights:
1) Pre-service coffee, a rare and beautiful thing
2) Accessible to East- and Westside members of the tribe
3) For chatty Jews, the cantor’s volume allows for full conversations to take place unnoticed during the service
Kvetches:
1) Not the place to go to meet a straight dude. Then again, what ‘gogue is?
2) Questionable life advice.
3) Les Mis announcement was a tease: we want it, and we want it NOW.
Total Bagels: 4
No comments:
Post a Comment